South African ‘Craft’ Brewers Can Suck My Balls

I love beer. It is not a casual ‘I like a few brews on the weekend’ kind of love either. I love beer with a deep, obsessive passion. Over the last decade, I have travelled to 25 countries, sampling beers, visiting breweries, talking to locals and discovering the sheer, spectacular breadth of the brewing art. I also brew my own beer on a small but (at least in my opinion) highly skilled level.

I have visited some of the traditional greats during this time: Germany, Czechia, England and, in particular, Belgium. I have also visited some countries where, either through force of legislation or a lack of beer drinking culture (I’m looking at you Italy) the craft beer scene has been small or only mildly exciting.

I have also had the privilege of getting shitfaced in some amazing places where the iconoclastic adventurousness and creativity of the local beer scene has astounded me, in particular, Estonia, the country I have called home for the last few years. In fact, I would go so far as to say that Estonia just might be the very best place in the world to be a beer drinker (with sincere, deeply felt apologies to Poland).

I recently returned to South Africa thirsty and excited to see what my home nation has to offer.

Fuck.

As a South African, it pains me to admit that I have come to this conclusion: South African craft brewers, with very few exceptions, are the worst in the world and the South African craft brewing scene is the dullest, most unimaginative one I have come across outside Saudi Arabia. For a nation that drinks as much as we do, that’s a fucking shame.

I have forced down insipid Lager after piss-poor Pilsener, poorly balanced IPA after cloying Weiss and enough goddamn shitty dry-hopped Amber and Golden Ales to last me a lifetime. Every single brewery brews this same selection of drudgery without fail, with a few adventurous souls making stouts that taste like cigarette ash and motherfucking Belgian style ales that have 5% ABV. Other than coming to your house and kicking you right in the face, there is no way to convey the rage I feel when I see this. A Belgian Tripel cannot be fucking 5% ABV you useless, inbred naai.

There I stand in my local liquor store, optimistically scanning the beers hoping for something, anything that isn’t between 4 and 6 ABV, doesn’t have a stupid, quirky ‘our brewer’s wife studied marketing you know’ name, or falls in the safe, unchallenging range of shit I could get from any macro-brewery in Europe.

“Why?”, I ask beseechingly. “What the fuck is wrong with us?”

Has half a century of SAB’s chemically brewed swill dulled both our palates and our souls? Have we simply become a nation unwilling to take risks? We produce great hops in South Africa. I know this because American and European brewers are doing amazing shit with African Queen, Southern Star, Southern Aroma and a variety of other local hops.

We have access to the same malts and yeasts as any brewer anywhere in the world. I know this because I’ve brewed very good beers in SA myself and I know other homebrewers who are doing the same.

“There’s simply no market for Imperial Porters, Gose, Lambic Ales, Strong Ales, or Brett sours,” I hear the accountants wail. That argument is, frankly, n spul poes.

Estonia has 1.3 million people in the entire country. That’s like a busy day at Sandton City. Yet their brewers are creating magnificent, challenging brews. They brew seasonally, use foraged local ingredients, and this may shock SA brewers to the core, brew beers that are stronger than 5% ABV. If you’re reading this as a SA brewer, you know the number on the back of the Castle bottle isn’t a rule, right?

As a brewer, you should do yourself a favour and go look at the range of beers offered by the Pohjala brewery in Estonia, and then ask a friend or relative to give you a solid poesklap. By the way, I think their Imperial Baltic Porter, named Öö, is the best beer in the world at the moment. Yes, even better than some of the classic Belgian ales (apart from maybe, perhaps Orval, which is essentially God’s ejaculate).

And don’t get me started on the outright greed of local brewers. If your shitty, unbalanced IPA (I’m looking at you King’s Blockhouse) is the same price as a Maredsous Tripel or a Duvel at the liquor store you can get fucked. I’ll buy the import every day.

Disclaimer: I have not drunk every single South African craft beer, so I’m sure Pomp-Jou-Suster Breweries in Koekenaap makes a magnificent, barrel-aged quad that rivals anything in the world. I’m looking at what’s available in a major metropolis like Cape Town, at a standard liquor store or in a decent pub. I’m looking at the big players like Devil’s Peak, Darling, CBC, Jack Black and their ilk.

Dear Lord, if this is the best we have to offer, take me now.